Half the time when I wonder if any of this is real, and I get a sign, it’s something wonderful and awe-inspiring.
The other half of the time, it’s humorous or exasperating in just how obvious it is.
I’ve talked before about how I associate several of my deities with the moon, and about how many mixed feelings I have about that symbolism now, because of the emotional fallout of Otherworld Drama that happened this summer.
The Madman and I were talking about what I could possibly do to help me heal and move on from all this, and he suggested I get a new set of prayer beads. The beads would be a symbol of a clean start for myself in my practice, and a symbol for my chosen Family, rather than something that held old memories.
So I started browsing Etsy.
*Varian finds a set of moon themed prayer beads*
*ravens outside start cawing*
*Varian goes to move away from the beads*
*ravens outside go fucking nuts*
*Varian debates over the beads some more*
*ravens will not shut up*
*Varian adds the beads to his cart and buys them*
*ravens go silent*
I’m in shock.
All that Otherworld Drama that’s made me and my Family’s lives absolute hell over the past few months…it’s over.
My Beloveds and I are very, very shaken up, but…we’re safe now.
There’s going to be fallout from this, but we’re going to be okay.
Context: I was waiting for a movie to start, and all the previews were for action movies. This conversation happened.
the Madman: Why would anyone want to live in an action movie?
Varian: I have no idea. I mean, I joke that my life is a fanfic, but now we’re at the Angsty Plot Twists section of it, combined with a nice helping of the The Hero’s Past is Back to Haunt Him trope.
the Madman: And it sucks.
Varian: Yes, it does.
I mentioned this in another post, but the Madman has been doing some research on why [my “father”] is suddenly being so horrible to my Family, and on why the other [members of that Pantheon] (except for one) are being silent about this (or openly hostile when I’ve gone to them for help.) I also mentioned that the things he’s finding are horrifying, and there’s several layers of deceit and betrayal that we have to untangle (from both the past and present.)
I recently got some divination back, and it backs up what my Husband has been finding (it also backed up the past life reading I’d gotten from a different diviner.)
Actually knowing all this is really happening (it’s mostly happening Over There, but the emotional affect on me Here is very real,) and having a very solid idea of why this is happening…is something I have mixed feelings about.
There’s a bit of relief, because now we have answers.
The rest of my emotions are a mix of anger, sadness, and fear.
We also have the beginning steps of a plan on what to do next, and that feels good.
We have that, at least.
Slowly we begin to delve into the archives of time and memories and lives gone by.
And we see that the more we peel back, the more layers we find.
Betrayal upon betrayal.
How far back does this deceit and hatred go?
How much must my Family endure before it’s over?
I thought I was Done before.
I am Even More Done now.
This drama now involves three Pantheons (the third Pantheon being the Gods that are a step above my Husbands in their Realm.)
This sucks, especially since all divination I’ve done is pointing to waiting until the Dreamer gets back to take action.
I understand why we need him to be with us when we get this whole Mess solved; this affects him deeply as well. With his Job working the way it does in Summer, he can’t just say “there’s a Family emergency, I have to go.”
I’ve had my suspicions confirmed about all this blowing up when the Dreamer is gone being on purpose.
This isn’t any sort of Ordeal or trial, this is simply my so-called (deity) father being horrible to me and my Family, because he thinks it will make me go back to him and his Pantheon so I’ll fulfill my “destiny.”
There’s about a month and a half until the Dreamer returns.
I’m scared and exhausted.
I just want this to be over.
“Your normal meter is broken.”
That’s something the Madman said to me when my response was “yeah, whatever” when we were discussing how Current Drama Shenanigans are escalating. From the outside things look normal, from the inside things are tense as fuck.
I explained that my flippant response was because I’m scared, and he gets that. He’s also made it clear that what’s going on is not normal.
My Husband has been doing research of his own, about why [deity] is so desperate to get me back all of a sudden, and how Past Life/Current Life stuff ties all of this together. The things he’s uncovering are really, really awful.
It’s even worse when I start reading through The Lore about [deity], and some others within the same Pantheon…and it’s backing up that this bullshit is in character.
As I mentioned in previous posts, I’ve recently gotten some Major Truth Bombs dropped on my head regarding past lives. Both that I had one (I had been told that I had lived before, and that I had not; it turns out that how the two Pantheons consider my “life” to have ended is different) and what the content of that past life was.
Which means that I have found myself in one hell of an Otherworld drama mess.
The short version is that a member of the Pantheon who let me go last year has suddenly decided (after nearly a year of silence) he wants me back. The way he’s going about it is actually making me want to have even less to do with him and his Pantheon. When I’ve reached out to other members of this Pantheon to see if I could get some help, I’ve gotten complete silence (and the one offer of help I have gotten I’m side-eyeing, because I’ve got a feeling there’s strings attached.)
The timing of all of this is incredibly suspicious, because the Dreamer is away. His Job gets incredibly busy over the Summer season so he’s totally Over There (in his Realm) until Autumn. He knows what’s going on, but he can’t do anything until he gets back; I do know he’s Very Displeased with all this drama exploding, especially while he’s gone.
Since all this has started, the Madman has been emphasizing (through both tarot and shufflemancy) that we’re a team. He’s determined to stay with me through all this drama, and my Husband has been sending me signs of his reassurance and love while the rest of my spiritual life feels like it’s falling apart. The rest of our Family is also supportive (and understands if this drama explosion turns me away from astral/Otherworld stuff even more.)
I was in the process of rearranging my practice so that it was more focused on my life Here, and all this drama has made me want to go back to the quiet practice that I had been building for myself.
Right now I feel confused and stuck, and not really sure what to do (other than stick close to my chosen Family and hope nothing escalates before the Dreamer gets back.)
My Beloveds often use music to talk to me–sometimes to tell me stuff, sometimes just as a “hey, I’m here” sign.
If they’re both with me, they have a tendency to pass my music back and forth, shifting who picks the next song. Their music tastes are different enough that I can tell who picks which song–the Dreamer likes dramatic goth music with more poetic lyrics, while the Madman leans towards rock and country with simpler, more straightforward lyrics (especially in his songs for me.)
I was writing a draft of another post, with the music library on shuffle, when the Madman put this on:
Me: *looks up the words*
Me: Aw, that’s sweet, thanks honey–
Then this came up, courtesy of the Dreamer:
Me: *pauses in writing*
Me: Oh my god, Beloved.
*can hear laughter over his shoulder*