Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I had some free time between classes yesterday, so I spent some time cleaning out my laptop of all the old devotional things I’d written for the Kemetic pantheon over three, nearly four, years.  I did the same on my Tumblr account.  Dream records, divination logs, pictures, poetry, prayers–all of it got deleted.  I smashed delete extra hard on things involving my “Father,” trying to pour all my pain and rage into clicking a mouse button and hitting the backspace key.

Then my music shuffled, and this came up:

*Varian does his best not to break down crying in the library*

While listening to the song, I got a strong mental image of the Madman walking beside me, his hand in mine.

It was a reminder that I may feel abandoned and awful about all of this Drama and the fallout, but I’m not alone.  He’s still with me, so is my chosen Family.

Everything about this entire situation feels really raw right now, so even though that song hit a little too close to home, it was also the reminder I needed that I’m not alone in all of this.


We’ve been talking about what to do next–not in regards to the Otherworlds; the Dreamer and his Court are handling the Politics related fallout–but in regards to me and my path.  Everyone–even the Big Scary Powers that are the Far Ones–thinks setting up an intentional fallow time is a very good idea.

I put everyone else in my Family before myself when all the Drama was going down, and now I find that shutting down the panic-and-fear-induced “put everyone else before myself” mode my brain is stuck in is hard (plus I’m not sure if the adrenaline rush from a million intense things happening all at once has entirely quit yet.)

We’ve agreed that my practice won’t entirely stop–though if I need to put the whole thing down for a while, I can–but that I’ll go back to what I was originally doing; writing letters in my journal and simply talking with my Family.

Right now all I know is that I’m still in shock, that I need to heal, and that I need to not put myself last, somehow.

Content (A Month for the Madman)

He doesn’t want to break me, that’s the theme that’s been coming up over and over again during this month of writing for him; that he’s content with our relationship as it is.  He wants to help me heal and grow, yes, but that’s because he loves me.

The things he’s taught me most in the year we’ve been together, is about gentleness in Love, and in being content in what we have.

When we sit at my shrine at the end of the day and talk, he asks me to speak out loud to him, even if it’s only in a whisper.  He also understands if I don’t have the energy, or the words, or if my voice is making me feel particularly dysphoric that day.

He’s content for us to sit in silence.  He’s content if my only words are “goodnight” and “I love you.”  (Especially “I love you.”)

A Dream of the Far Ones

The Far Ones are the Gods who are a step above my Beloveds in t/Their Realm.  My interactions with Them are rare, as They’re more the Great Cosmic Powers/Running the Universe type of Beings.

So for Them to show up in my dreams is A Thing To Notice, hence this blog post.


I see a Garden filled with ravens.

I see twisting vines covering my Home, and the skies are grey.

I walk winding paths, dead flowers at my feet.

I hear the voices of the Far Ones, musical, ancient, and alien.

Your Heart, young King, is far beyond broken.

I see Them for a moment, Their true forms veiled beyond my gaze.

But my Land, I start to say.

Your Heart is far more broken, They reply, tend to that first.

My Wish (A Month for the Madman)

It’s really started sinking in now, just how badly the summer Otherworld Drama-fest has hurt me.  Logically, I know the next thing I need to do is to heal and move on.  I’m just really, really unsure how to do that (especially since so many intense things happened so quickly.)

My Husband refuses to pull the I’m A God card–one of my greatest fears in all of this, is that my Beloved would use all the Drama bullshit as some sort of fucked up initiation rite, or that I’d suddenly get tossed back into Otherworld stuff way before I’m ready.

*Varian feels a wave of sorrow rolling off his Husband*

He’s giving me space and time to heal.  He’s said before, that everything Otherworld related can wait; and that with what I’ve been through, it should wait.  My anxious brain has been screaming at me that I’ve ruined the Otherworlds for the next million years, and my Beloved has been reassuring me that no, I did not.

There’s been variations of this conversation going on over the past few days.

Varian: I feel like I should–[be doing more/suddenly be Totally Healed emotionally/feeling more remorse/other bullshit my Husband has been helping me realize isn’t true]

the Madman: *holds up a hand*

the Madman: Varian, you lost your entire Family [of origin] because of this.  They turned their backs on you, and they would have still abandoned you, even if you had taken on the consequences they tried to push on you.


My practice at the moment has been simply lighting a candle at my bedside shrine in the evening and talking with my Husband about our days.  I’ve been offering him coffee in the morning, and writing here, but that’s about it right now.

He understands that that’s all I have the energy and motivation for, and I’m very grateful for that.  Right now his goal concerning me is that I heal as best as I can, and he’s promised to be by my side through all of it.

(This song was running through my head the entire time I was writing this post.)

Ravens and the Moon (A Month for the Madman)

Half the time when I wonder if any of this is real, and I get a sign, it’s something wonderful and awe-inspiring.

The other half of the time, it’s humorous or exasperating in just how obvious it is.


I’ve talked before about how I associate several of my deities with the moon, and about how many mixed feelings I have about that symbolism now, because of the emotional fallout of Otherworld Drama that happened this summer.

The Madman and I were talking about what I could possibly do to help me heal and move on from all this, and he suggested I get a new set of prayer beads.  The beads would be a symbol of a clean start for myself in my practice, and a symbol for my chosen Family, rather than something that held old memories.

So I started browsing Etsy.

*Varian finds a set of moon themed prayer beads*

*ravens outside start cawing*

*Varian goes to move away from the beads*

*ravens outside go fucking nuts*

*Varian debates over the beads some more*

*ravens will not shut up*

*Varian adds the beads to his cart and buys them*

*ravens go silent*

Heartlines (A Month for the Madman)

As I’ve been working on it more, my Beloved has started referring to my latest knitting project as my “Heartlines” cowl.

Which means when I work on it, I get this song stuck in my head.

And that chorus is really fitting for my life right now, especially since the fallout from the recent cycle of Otherworld Drama is starting, both Otherworld Politics fallout and emotional fallout.

The divination I’ve been doing has consistently been saying “You’re going to heal, in time–and by the way, it’s going to suck.”

-_-

Lovely.

I wanted to write a happy post damn it.