Silence (Godphone Update II), and Other Brief Updates

Back in May, I wrote a post saying that my abilities to sense, see, and/or hear my Beloveds–let alone anyone else–has been going down steadily since April.  My abilities dying…maybe finally happened?

I did some brief divination about all of this, and the reading was “everything Over There is fine, relax,” and that my godphone and abilities were bound to die sooner or later.  This…doesn’t surprise me, but the ongoing quiet is strange.


Two weeks ago, the Dreamer left for his Summer Duties in Darkness.  I’ve begun keeping a journal specifically for him when he’s gone over the Summer–he requested I do so through some divination I got–and it’s helped a lot.  I don’t know if he gets the letters as I write them, but writing to him has been helping with being unable to reach him any other way.

The Madman has been around when he can be, but his appearances are sporadic.  This makes sense, from what I know of the Dreamer’s Summer Duties, that his Spouse would be incredibly busy as well.

Jake is still around, which is comforting.  I’ve been spending time with his family and friends when I can–just brief visits, nothing intense–and they really are beginning to feel like family to me.

 

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To Wish on Stars

An idea for a story popped into my head on my way home from the knitting group yesterday, so I decided to write it out.  It ended up being more serious than I intended for it to be, but it rings true for me.


“There’s Gods behind those stars, you know.”  The King closed the door behind him, joining his son in the private gardens.

His son had sprawled what appeared to be the entire Royal library’s collection of astronomy books all over the table, some in languages he couldn’t read yet.  But he was ignoring the books, sitting with his bare feet tucked under him, trying to get a look at the stars through his handheld telescope.

“Yeah, I know.”  The boy lowered his telescope, flashed a brief grin, then went back to what he was doing.

“It’s a Sirius thing, stargazing.”

Father.”  His son rolled his eyes.  “You always make that joke.”

The King simply smiled and sat down beside him.  The boy had been in their home for several years now, and there were already questions swirling around him–would he take the Throne, when he came of age?  And another question…what would happen if he didn’t?

“We will love him no matter what,” was always the answer he and his Beloveds gave.  It was the truth, not simply platitudes; he was their son that they loved, not just the Heir and Crown Prince of Darkness.

What if he is meant for things greater than this?

The King shivered at that thought, his eyes going to the stars that were now beginning to glow even brighter in the still spring-time night.   He followed the boy’s telescope, where the lens rested on the constellation that legend said would grant the viewer’s fondest hopes and dreams.

Please, he prayed, let him have a happy childhood, a happy life.  I did not carry him from the snow, his would-be killer’s blood on my hands, for him to become a pawn of the Gods and those who would seize my Throne by taking my child from me.

“What’re you wishing for?”  His son had put the telescope down on the table, simply gazing up at the stars with him now.

“That you’re happy.”

“I am.”  His son paused.  “Do you ever…speak to the stars?”

“To the Gods behind them, yes.”

“What do They say?”

“That They’re watching over you.”  It wasn’t a lie, but so much less than the truth; he had been shown a vision of a pearl that held the moon, and his son’s eyes black with grief.  What it meant he did not know, but he hoped that in the years to come, that the wish he made on this night still held true.

In Darkness we Find Home

In less than a day you are leaving, and it is
not my place to mourn you.  You are not held
down by the weight of Ritual, of loss, of the Land.
A time has passed for mourning, grief is not a
rite of yours, and you do not want your Descent to
kill the joy I find in my life.  Devotion is one aspect,
not all of who I am, I am re-learning that.  This
evening we will sit on our porch beneath the
stars, knowing that good-bye must happen at
sunrise.  Even now I can sense your presence
waning like the moon–or maybe it’s my godphone
ending up in static mode again–but I know that
for the next two months you will be gone, where even
I cannot reach you.  You are correct, Beloved, that I am
not going to be alone; you have surrounded me with those
dear to your Heart, and you have encouraged me to find a
home and family Here as well.  At dawn you will leave, to go
on your Journey, I will write to you, in a journal covered with the
moon fading into the stars.  These letters will hold my Heart, Beloved,
even in times of separation, you will still hold my words close to you.

Asexuality and My Spiritual Path (Carnival of Aces)

This month’s Carnival of Aces topic is Complexity and Nuance.

I ended up writing about how my asexuality plays a part in my spiritual path.  I’ve written about this in passing, but the topic of complexity and nuance gave me space to really put my thoughts down on paper.


I’m really open on this blog about a couple of things; I’m a polytheist, I’m asexual, and I’m married to two of my deities.  What I haven’t put together on paper before, at least here, is how that asexuality does interact with and impact how I approach the wider polytheist community, and how it merges with my path being a deity spouse.

I never thought my asexuality and my spiritual path would crash together, but they have.  The two parts of my life don’t conflict, it’s…that the majority of the pagan and polytheistic community is very, very sex positive, and I shift between sex neutral and sex repulsed (mostly sex repulsed.)  I feel really awkward a lot of the time when I’m in more mainstream pagan spaces, even if I’m doing something as simple as trying to find a new tarot deck that I’m actually comfortable using.  (So.  Much. Nudity.)  I feel like I can’t discuss my experiences involving the Otherworld, because there’s this idea that the Otherworlds are much more sexual than Here, and the culture of the Realm my gods are from is very private when it comes to sexual things.

I’m also part of the godspouse community (though not nearly as involved as I used to be) and one of the most common questions I’ve seen asked about being married to a deity is…how do you have sex?  Honestly, I feel even more awkward than I usually do in pagan spaces, every time I see a question like that asked–why is that the first thing someone wants to know?  I often find myself wondering “is sex really that important???”  I’m celibate, but it’s not an oath for my Beloveds (I’m not sleeping with them either.)  For me, taking any kind of official celibacy vow would have absolutely no point to it.  This isn’t just because I’m ace, but because my Beloveds are more than okay with me dating someone Here, if I ever chose to do so.

I feel like I’m on the outside of the queer community by being a religious person, and like I’m on the outside of the pagan/polytheist community for being sex repulsed.  It’s a weird place to be at, feeling like I’m occupying this space where I’m on the outside edge of several communities at once.

A History

I have dropped My so-called “father”s name like mud and bricks hurled through windows.

Whispered plans late at night, huddled around small fires; the fight against injustice raged on, and they had forgotten you.  Those who lived in palaces and had–no, forced–the worship of millions.

At least there in barren streets, in sun-burnt houses made of clay, you clung to Light, to Hope, to the balance that once was.  But that was years ago, the Two Lands have stagnated, become stuck in times long past, when blood ruled and sacrifice reigned.

The Lord of Dread indeed, you say to Me now, in a sunlit morning by the sea, and what were we to him?

To him you were to be broken, only pots to be smashed and put back together, and your terror was made greater by this foreign King who offered you your freedom.  Yet you took this King’s hand and fled in a stolen moment across the sea, across the stars, to a place you’d only heard rumors of, whispers passed from fire to fire.  From a spark of desperation to outright rebellion, you fled to the ships while the King’s Hound gave chase.

There was death, there was loss (there always is, in times like this) and a long, long journey in which you could reach up and place your hands near the stars themselves.

You brought your traditions, but not your gods.  Not those who had brought chaos and death, those who had abandoned you and ripped away your children to be servants of your so-called King.  Those who lived in “glory” and yet forgot their own people, who thought nothing of breaking, and even less of mending, of scars tainted in gold being the only reward, never mind that gold tarnishes and scars burn with the past.

You trust Me more now, having listened to this tale and not flinched, nor defended my “father” in any way.  I have removed the chaos and violence that My red hair screams of, and My Crown is made of flowers (like the ones your children wove into My hair at the Festival of Hearts) that it must be kept up and looked after.

Summer is here, in a matter of days it will descend upon Darkness.  Together we will light the sandstone streets you now call Home, and the sea will sing songs of stars and devotion.

Therapy Updates (II), and I Might Be Writing A Book

In therapy last week, I decided (along with my therapist) that I’m going to be focusing on processing all of last year’s traumatic Otherworld events.

My therapist warned me that it’s going to be difficult, since I’ve been pushing back and repressing those feelings and memories for the past year.  It’s made worse since I’ve felt like I can’t talk about all this stuff to my family Here–I explained to my therapist that it’s one thing to be open about being a polytheist, it’s another thing entirely to say “I’m being fought over by gods in another dimension,” and later “I just lost my entire ‘family’ of origin and I’m grieving them.”

We’ve agreed that I should only work on processing when I’m in therapy.  I’ve been doing art and writing to process, and that’s helped somewhat, but I’ve found that it’s turning more into staying stuck in that place of pain, rather than actually moving on.  I’ve discussed this with the Dreamer, and he very much agrees–he wanted me to get back into art because it made me happy, not just to process stuff.

Some divination that I recently got back said that I need a creative project to focus on over the Summer, either to process further or as a distraction.  With my latest therapy appointment, it looks like this project needs to be a distraction.

I do have a story in mind.  Based on the discussion in my writer’s group it’s going to be a much larger story than I initially thought it would be, so that’s going to be my creative project for the Summer.  I also have a knitting project to work on, for something that’s actually tangible rather than how abstract writing a book can be.

The Festival of Hearts

Today we dance,
we celebrate joy.

The streets are lit
with white lanterns,
flames whispering Hope.

Today we feast
with family and friends
we hold our loved ones close
knowing that we share our Light.

Today we light fires
of iridescent flame
that all our burdens
may be brought
into the Light.